This Mother

There is so much for me to post about. Tatiana's fourth birthday, her party, soccer and the list goes on. I will sometime I promise. Lately, I have had some really dark days. I feel like a black cloud has followed me around everywhere making it hard to even get out of bed some days. The financial stress, nonexistent insurance, father-in-laws shaking health, dread of school all compounded with that this pregnancy has suddenly taken everything out of me. I am so hormonally imbalanced and exhausted all the time. My one year old is like a roaring tornado that causes havoc and mess everywhere her adorable feet set down. I just can't keep up with her or her messes. And so my house is a disaster. And it is going to stay that way. And this morning as I had lost it on her for the 100th time because she dumped her whole bowl of cocoa puffs on the floor I decided to take a time out and look on facebook. I had just finished asking her," why do you have to be so naughty? Can't you cut me some slack right now? Mommy is just so tired!", when I came upon a blog post someone put up on facebook. Curious, I clicked on it. I invite you to read it too. Let me tell you I was sobbing so hard and my girls were all over me comforting me and worried. Alilia kept saying," I'm sorry Mom. I'm sorry." All I could do was hug them and tell them how lucky I am to be their mommy and how much I love them.

http://dennyandwendy.blogspot.com/2011/05/our-sweet-wendy.html

Me...Better

I've got a confession. I've been doing something really bad lately. Comparing myself to others. And it has only made me feel really bad about myself. Let me explain. I love to read these amazing blogs I follow. These women are superheroes. They are amazing parents, take amazing photos, serve dinner to their husbands every night, have a house that is always clean and still find all the time in the world to create fabulous crafts and blog about it. I however, spend too much time reading their blogs, have a messy house, yell at my children and serve Mac and Cheese on a good night. But I bet these women are more like me than they like to admit. It is such a funny world being a woman, especially an LDS one. We place these standards on ourselves that are outrageous. We put a front up that every little thing in our world is perfect. I feel this pressure so much living in Utah, and a million times more living in Utah County. Own the perfect house, own a car that isn't older than 5 years, perfectly behaved children, world renown chef, all while looking like a super model. RRRRRRRRRRR.....wrong. I fall into this from time to time and I have to catch myself. I am a horrible housekeeper. I'm pretty good at cooking but the honest truth is I am way too exhausted and we are way too poor. I'm irritable and impatient, especially being pregnant. We have money problems. We don't have health insurance. We regret moving and feel stuck. We are scared about our unstable future. I have no motivation to go back to school and am thinking about dropping out for a year. Life is hard and I don't mind sharing that with people. I'm human.

BBBBBut.... I am motivated to do better. I'm not going to keep the TV on all day for my kids. I'm going to clean one room a day. I will cook one fabulous meal a week. I will rock my husband's world at least two nights a week (seriously, I put that in here). I will prepare this baby boy's room who I so dearly want and can't wait to hold. We (joint effort) will organize our bills and figure out an additional source of income. I will figure out this whole insurance thing. I will spend quality one on one time with my creative, hilarious children. I will dedicate one night to sewing/crafting/movies/shopping pretty much me night. Most importantly, I will keep smiling.

Junior

It's a boy!

I'm getting my little boy! I went in for my ultrasound yesterday to find out how many babies where inside me. As soon as she put the screen up, she gasped (seriously) and then asked," Do you want to know the sex of the baby?" I didn't even have to answer because I already had tears in my eyes. It was clear there was only one baby and that little baby was making it very clear he was all boy. She laughed because she said I was only fourteen weeks and they usually aren't developed that clearly this early. That made George proud:). Honestly, all day yesterday and today I forget and then I remember and have to look at the pictures to see my little boy.

A brief history, I have always wanted a boy very bad. I love my girls so much. They are perfect and I wouldn't changed them for anything. I have always wanted to have "my boy" though. I would go to family/friend's son's football game and leave with tears in my eyes(no exaggeration!) because I just can't wait to be the ultra supportive mom of a little boy out on the field. I told George last night that our son is going to be an all star NFL player and one day he is going to hand me a black Amex card and say," Mommy (because he will still call me that), there is no limit. Go buy whatever you want!" HAHA Of course I am joking, kind of...! I really don't care if my son is a chess player, ballerina, or whatever his little heart takes him to. I just want to be his Mommy!

Weekend Recap

We had big plans this weekend. BIG plans! We were going to leave early Saturday morning and head down to the most beautiful place in Utah, San Pete County. George had a rugby game and I have some friends that live down there so we were going to stay the night and have some fun. I was excited to show George the Manti temple which is my personal favorite. I know it isn't a huge trip or anything but I was really looking forward to it. Cut to Friday, George is sick with the flu. The game was rescheduled. The trip was a no-go. We stayed home all Saturday watching movies while I played nurse, which is not my favorite role (I know I lack sympathy).

Then me and my best friend aka Tatiana decided we would go on a little date. We went to go see Rango. It was alright. But the best was having my big girl sit on my lap with her arm around the back of my neck telling me she was having so much fun. I kept thinking, This is exactly why I always wanted to be a Mom. I truly am so grateful to have two such wonderful kids. We went to Quizno's after for a little pizza and sandwiches. I kept laughing at her little comments.

When we got home Alilia screamed, "Mommy!" and ran to throw her arms around me. She has been my little shadow lately. My approach to be positive with her has worked so well. I am always telling her she is a good girl and in turn she is actually being a good girl. She loves to hold my hand and sit on my lap and cuddle for an hour our two with me. The girl wouldn't even give me a hug before! She showers me with kisses all the time now. I can hardly believe the change. I'm overwhelmed with the love of my family. They are just plain awesome. The fact that our family is getting bigger is just a bonus!

Cheers to today!

Yesterday was a day that goes down on the books forever. AS HORRIBLE! Tuesday night we got a phone call from Australia telling us some bad news. George's dad had been in the hospital the past two weeks with phenomena, which we knew. They had tried antibiotics and he wasn't getting better. In fact he was drowning to death with all the fluid in his lungs. So they had to operate and drain it out. We knew this already. Turns out when they were taking the 7 LITERS out of his lungs they found a cancerous tumor on top of his lungs. Because his body was so weak they said chemo would kill him and they didn't want to do another intrusive operation to remove it. So they weren't sure what they were going to do. I freaked out! I adore my father-in-law. We get each other and I enjoy spending time with him and hearing him tell me "I'm his favorite"(I'm sure he tells everyone that!). I slept maybe one hour that night just laying there freaking out. Most people who know me know my own parents are, well....hmmmm....well.... much more interested in themselves than anyone else. So when my in-laws finally came to visit it overwhelmed me on how wonderful they were! They truly were the family I had waited my whole life to have.

Anyways cue Wed. It started out with a doctor's visit which was stressful to get to. Luckily, a neighbor helped me out and watched the girls. The doctor was great. She is pregnant with her fifth child! SUPERWOMAN! I thought we would find out if it was twins or just one but she was concerned we were off our due date and since I tend to deliver early she wanted me to go to the "special" lab to get an ultrasound on Monday. She also told me that she was going to start me on steroid shots at 35 weeks. I never considered my early labor dangerous since my kids come out HUGE and are always healthy, but it did make me start worrying a little in the back of my mind. So I went home with a lot on my mind.

I had agreed to watch a friend's two kids while she took her other four to do some service. I hope if this friend reads this she is not offended with what I have to say. Long story short, while I was on the phone listening to my friend tell my of her miscarriage that day, the three year old went upstairs to my bathroom and took a nail polish. She then opened it and spilled PURPLE nail polish all over my carpet upstairs and all down the stairs and on multiple items of clothing. Clothing that was brand new with the tags still on. Like over a hundred dollars worth of clothing. And as for my carpet, I now have barney polka dots all over my one year old house that I have rubbed so hard the carpet fell out. Honestly, I would have rather lost a toe or finger. This was so traumatic for me. So, so traumatic! I know we won't have the money to replace our carpet for at least a year so I get to stare at these spots. The spots are about the size of a fist. Multiple fist spots. I think I could have dealt better if it was my child that did it. But my kids came running to tell me and never touched the polish. I think I would have dealt better if both of her kids didn't cry for the next forty minutes while I tried to call her and she didn't answer. I think I would have dealt better if when the Mom came in she didn't dismiss it by saying," If I had a dollar for every time she does something like that at my house"! No offer to pay for the clothing or carpet (which I would have refused but still appreciated). Nope, not much concern there. I'm still pretty chapped about it if you can't tell. I'm still sick down to my core as I throw away the brand new clothes. My kids would have gotten the beating of their lifetime!!!!!!! No joke there!

The day could not have gotten worse! But thankfully, I got a phone call that gave me light. My mother-in-law called to say when they went back to drain 5 MORE LITERS out of his lungs the tumor was gone. poof! no sign of it whatsoever. There were still cancer cells in the fluid that they drained so they need to figure out where that came from, but all in all this was terrific news! So, I am really trying to focus on the positive today. The girls and I are going to get some lunch and see if we can score something cute to redo at DI, maybe even check out the new Hobby Lobby. Yesterday is over and today is a present.

In a day

Yesterday an amazing thing happened! I found someone to watch my girls (major stress of my life) while I went to my first Dr's appointment. I have taken two weeks off of school so just driving alone in the car seemed odd. At first I stressed I was going to be late then, for the first time I started to get really excited to hear this little baby inside me. I haven't had even a moment to be excited. There is so much stress about money, insurance, blah blah blah that I haven't been able to focus on the happy part. Two of George's siblings have twins (both girls) and so do a few of his cousins so everytime I get pregnant it is in the back of my mind. The doctor's office was wonderful and friendly. The did say I was only 12 weeks, not 14. I guess I can't count? Then I shared my concern about multiple babies and they humored me and listened to the heartbeat. They did hear two heartbeats! But I guess the baby has a heartbeat and so does the placenta so there is a high chance that it is only one baby. I go back tomorrow and hopefully they do an ultrasound to find out for sure. I have a feeling that it is only one baby and kinda of have an inkling that it is an other girl. But guess what? That makes me excited! Just the thought of holding a precious little person, who smells wonderful and needs me so completely is thrilling! I feel so grateful!

On a side note, I have been having an extremely hard time with Alilia. If you tell her about the baby in Mommy's tummy she will scream and hit my belly as hard as she can. NO BUENO. I can tell she is having an issue with not getting enough attention. At 21 months she is so freaking smart! We have been fighting non stop until...... I stopped. I decided that instead of referring to her as my little "monster" I would tell her she was a good, nice girl. Instead of yelling when she punched and pinched Tatiana I calmly told her she was a nice girl and nice girls don't do that. It was amazing how all of the sudden my girl who doesn't like to sit still suddenly let me hold, hug and kiss her all day. Really it was my fault all along! She just wanted more of her mommy's attention, the good kind.

My darling friend Marina knocked on my door this morning and surprised me with some adorable hair bows for my girls. What a lovely surprise! And if this is another girl she will have plenty of cute things to choose from:).